The Guy We Didn’t Hire

I mentioned earlier in the week that we've been getting quotes from a sundry of yard folks over the last couple of months.  A couple (ie. TWO) have been great.  A few have been completely unimpressive.  And then there is the guy I knew we would not hire within two minutes of his rat-a-tat-tat on the door.  Here’s how it all went down:

Him: *knocks on the garage door*
Me: *annoyed that I can’t see who it is since he didn’t come to the front door like every single other non-friend visitor in four years* Who is it?
Him: Eric.
Me: Eric who?
Him: *in an annoyed rude voice* Eric from xxx Lawn Care.  Your husband sent me.
Me: *opens door*  Hi.  I couldn’t see you and I don’t like to just throw open the door.  Would you like to walk around the yard?
Him: That’s why I’m here.  *again, in annoyed rude voice*
Me: *At this moment I know I will not hire this man.*


A few minutes later…
Me: I think that my husband wanted the grass in the back aerated.  It seems to be coming in all patchy and he wants to give it the best possible chance.
Him: What kind of grass is it?
Me: I figured you would know.  I believe it is zoysia.
Him: If your husband wants to pay me to aerate your zoysia then I will do it.  I’ll do whatever he wants to pay for.  But I’ve never heard of aerating zoysia. 
*Just so y’all know, we looked it up and have had two other opinions – all say that aerating our grass would definitely help things.  Thanks for nothing annoying rude man.*


The unspeakable…
*The man’s zipper is down and it just happens to catch my eye.  For like 100th of a millisecond.  I SWEAR.*
Him: I saw you look down there.
Me: *O.M.G. did he really just call me out on that?????!!!!!  I remain silent.  I mean, what response would be appropriate???*
Him: Is my zipper down?
Me: *OOOOOOMMMMMMMMMGGGGGGG.  Why can’t he just look for himself?  I don’t answer.  I am way to mortified and uncomfortable.*
Him: *zips up his zipper*  Yeah, I’ve been having problems with that zipper.
Me: *Want to run inside and never come out.  Oh, and bless Honey out for sending this creep to the house.*

The icing on the cake…
Him: *He is assessing the trees Honey has marked with a pink ribbon to denote the ones we want cut down.*  Your husband is an engineer, right?
Me:  Yes.  Why?
Him: It’s just a gift I have.  I can tell by the way the trees are marked.  I’m just really good at figuring things out and knowing things about people.
Me: *I say nothing.  But I’m thinking … gifted, you say?  You mean, it wasn’t the Georgia Tech car tag, the Georgia Tech lawn chair OR the Georgia Tech golf clubs laying there that tipped you off?  I mean, there are approximately two majors other than engineering at the school.*


And while it was super annoying/awkward/creepy while it was happening, I’ve gotten a few good laughs out of it since.  This poor man needs some serious help with his business acumen and general social skills.


Bless his heart.
xoxo