Lena Hoschek: A Few Gems from the Doctor

I feel like a trip to the doctor with two children is some sort of nefarious parenting test – one where doctors and nurses secretly conspire to see how the unsuspecting and likely harried mom handles her offspring while locked in a germ laden three-by-three cube with nothing but a spinning stool with wheels and a bench from which a fall would be catastrophic. They probably sit back and watch our every move on surveillance cameras and write notations in cryptic shorthand on their strange little tablet devices as we try to tame our beasts in our nicest possible mean voice. I really should ask my childhood pediatrician friend KRB about all this…

As for yesterday, the littles’ seemingly innocuous annual trip to the doctor ended with me not knowing whether to laugh or cry. They were clearly out to rattle and shame me. Here are a few gems from our visit:

When the nurse tells the boys to strip down to their undies John yells “OH NOOOOO!” I’m thinking he is just embarrassed for her to see. But no, he continues “I think I’ve had these same undies on like all week. Definitely all week and they haven’t even been washed.” I assure you this is not the case. I mean, y’all know me. Well, not really know me, but surely you know me well enough to know that I bathe my children and wash their clothes. We put on clean undies and clean clothes every.single.day. I mean, unless it’s PJ day. But six out of seven days the child has on clean underwear. Cross my heart.

And it just got better from there. Like when John claimed he didn’t know his age or grade in school (I duly professed his brilliance as only a mother can) and when the baby danced Gangem style when asked to hop on one leg (I feigned ignorance.)

Oh… I also loved when Dr H asked the baby about his favorite activity in school – W: centers; DR: which one?; W: legos; DR: what do you build?; W: GUNS!!! (and he proceeds to pretend shoot the doctor)

Much to my surprise and relief, Dr H proclaimed them “normal and healthy based on everything seen today.” (Which leads me to believe he must see some truly bewildering creatures in his day.)

To top it all off, the baby was due for vaccinations. Is it just me, or do you hate having to hold your child down and look into their eyes as a nurse just out of their line of sight sticks them in the leg with an insane number of shots?!?! It has always broken my heart and I dread it every year. This year, the baby screamed out in sheer terror “I WANT MY MOMMY!!!!” and he jerked his head up looking startled to find ME there holding him down. He asked me countless times after why I hurt him so bad. Bless his heart.

Just like that I forgave them for acting like complete dolts and promised the baby anything he wanted for supper. He chose hot dogs and s’mores roasted on the porch and, once again, all was well with the W family :-).